If you attended church any time from the 1990s to today, I’m sure you have heard the term “accountability partner” thrown around.
Growing up in the early 2000s, I was told by several of my youth pastors that I needed an accountability partner. That sounded great and all, but I had no idea what an accountability partner was or what they were supposed to do. The only picture I received was that you pick a person who you regard as spiritually mature and you meet together a few times a month to confess all of your sins from that week. You may have received a different picture, but this is how an accountability partner was conveyed to me. Don’t pick a friend, but pick someone spiritual who can ask you hard questions.
That didn’t settle well with me.
So…We Just Confess Our Sins?
Like many Christians, I thought the idea of having an accountability partner was awkward. To clarify, the awkwardness didn’t come from the added level of accountability and support to grow spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, we need people to help us establish guardrails in our lives. The Old and New Testaments talk about establishing guardrails and seeking after wisdom. The prophets preached repentance and guidance. Proverbs instructs us to walk in wisdom. Paul reminds us in the Book of Ephesians to walk as those who are wise.
I’m not against a person needing transparency, accountability, and correction. I simply believe there is a better way to go about this than establishing an “accountability partner.” I didn’t want to have an extra person in my life who wasn’t my friend but got access into my life. I didn’t need a fake friend. I needed true friendships. Gaining an accountability partner felt like I was settling in my friendships. Separating deep conversations from my current friends and only discussing that with an accountability partner felt like I was missing the point of true friendship.
Build Biblical Friendships
When I moved to college I realized that the need for an accountability partner could be fulfilled by having biblical friendships. You need real friends. You do not need “yes men” who will not question your dumb decisions. You do not need hype people who only exist to make you happy. You need gospel-centered friendships with people who are growing in their faith.
[bctt tweet=”You need gospel-centered friendships with people who are growing in their faith.” username=”chasesnyder12″]
True friends are better than accountability partners.
True friends will help you grow spiritually. True friends will ask you hard questions. True friends will encourage you to take steps of faith.
Many young adults make the mistake of surrounding themselves with hundreds of shallow friendships and fail to develop a few deep friendships. There isn’t anything wrong with having plenty of friends. Problems arise, however, when you don’t have a few key friendships that are strong enough to look out for your best interests – even if it means having difficult conversations. Biblical friendships are better than accountability partners because your desire is to see both of you grow in Jesus – not just keep you from a specific sin.
Proverbs repeatedly teaches about the benefits of quality friendships. And Proverbs Chapter 27 is a goldmine of wisdom about friendships.
- Proverbs 27:5-6 “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
- Proverbs 27:9 “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.”
- Provers 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”
Gospel-centered friendships will serve as a guardrail in your life in ways an accountability partner can’t. How? Your friends see you more than an accountability partner would. It is easy to lie during one monthly meeting. On the other hand, you can’t hide your behaviors and struggles from close friends. The closer the proximity, the greater potential for accountability and discipleship to occur. We all need people who can speak into our lives on a day-to-day basis. Those true friendships will shape our lives more than an accountability partner ever could.
So, How Do I Create Gospel-Centered Friendships?
1. Strong friendships are built on trust, proximity, and common beliefs. You can’t talk to a person once a month and expect to be close friends. Friendship is stronger as you spend time together. And as a guy, we are the worst at this. Once we graduate college we forget how to hang out with other guys. Start looking for ways to invite friends into the activities you are already doing – eating meals, watching sporting events, weekly small groups.
2. Begin having deeper conversations with your friends. You will notice if these friends are open to talking about real issues and struggles or if they shy away from being real. By all means, slowly walk into deeper conversations – you don’t have to air all of your laundry and beliefs at once. But be intentional to bring up faith topics. Start by getting involved in a small group in your local church and see what friendships develop from there.
3. Realize not all friendships will be deep friendships. Some have a hard time with this truth. It is OK to have surface-level friendships. That is the world we live in. Certain co-workers will never become deep friendships. Don’t stress about that. The key is to have a few deep friendships in the midst of the various levels of acquaintances and other friends you have.
Obviously, this list isn’t exhaustive. The older we get the worse we are at making friends. Remember the elementary school version of you? Most of us were comfortable enough to walk up to another kid and ask them if they wanted to be our friend. We weren’t nervous about the prospect of meeting someone new.
Along the way we have been burned, backstabbed, and ignored more times than we can count. The mess of relationships has caused us to avoid being transparent and honest with people for fear that they will one day use our vulnerability against us. We need to return to the elementary school days of seeing people as potential friends, not potential backstabbers.
[bctt tweet=”True friends are better than accountability partners.” username=”chasesnyder12″]
What If I Can’t Create Gospel-Centered Friendships?
An accountability partner is better than no accountability. I don’t know your situation, but I know that I operate better when my friends are asking me hard questions and are pointing me to Jesus. Your season of life may be full of transition and new opportunities which moved you away from your solid friendships. In the between time, you still need people to act as guardrails in your life.
The bottom line is that friendships don’t magically develop. Having Gospel-centered friendships takes intentionality and transparency. Those can be hard, but the end result is worth it.
